It’s very simple. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your choices. When you make choices that are good for you, you feel good about yourself, do good things for yourself, and have many good experiences. When you make choices that are bad for you, you feel bad about yourself, do bad things to yourself, and have many bad experiences. One road leads to pleasure, the other, pain… .
Have you ever wondered why people do things that are clearly harmful to their health? Perhaps it’s because they really don’t feel they have a choice. .
This is why the alcoholic reaches for booze, the junkie for drugs, the sex-addict for porn. It’s because deep in their hearts they have a subconscious need that must be satisfied, and the bottom line is, they haven’t learned to meet that need in a way that truly serves them. Since they can’t see any other way, they haven’t got a choice. .
The dictionary defines the word habit as “an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.” An addiction meanwhile, can be defined as a habit you can’t break without feeling some adverse effects. At that point it becomes a matter of accurately assessing those effects, and then making your decision accordingly. In either case, there is one thing you must know before dealing with an alcohol addiction… .
There is always a choice.
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The Biggest Choice of All: Personal Responsibility.
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The good news is, you already have everything you need to get where you want to go. You have a mind that thinks, a body that feels, and a soul that knows the way. The challenge is getting them all to agree, especially when your mind keeps trying to control the show. But who is really in charge of your life? Is it you, or is it your mind? Are you the master of your thoughts and behavior? Or are you a slave to your own mental impulses? .
Consider your actions in life. Everything you do can be attributed to one of two things: Your need to avoid pain, or your desire to gain pleasure. Test this out for yourself. Think of anything you might do today, and see if it can’t be reduced to one of these primary motivations. Here’s a few examples: .
Read a book? Gain pleasure.
Pay a bill? Avoid pain.
Go for a walk? Gain pleasure.
Lie to your boss? Avoid pain.
Sleep in? Watch a movie? Answer the phone? Maybe a little of both. .
The point is, all your actions, even the actions you really don’t like, originate from either a positive or negative impulse. And every impulse is nothing more than a suggestion that your mind has served up for you to do with as you will. The problem is, being unaware of the essential relationship between yourself and your mind, you react to every thought as if it were a command. .
Consider your thoughts for a moment. You have both negative and positive thoughts to choose from. You have negative thoughts to protect you from danger, and you have positive thoughts to bring you delight. The best way to think of this is having a negative mind that wants to avoid pain, and a positive mind that wants to experience pleasure. .
But then you have a conflict. To your negative mind, all the potential pleasures in life involve some kind of risk, so it doesn’t want you to go there. And to your positive way of thinking, you can’t fully experience the pleasures in life while you keep holding yourself back, so you disregard the danger. .
Imagine an overweight woman standing in front of her refrigerator. On the outside she appears quite calm. But inside, there’s a battle raging over whether or not she’s going to reach in there and grab that slice of chocolate cake. Her positive mind is saying “MMMMM! YES! That cake is gonna taste YUMMY!” While her negative mind keeps saying “NO! Don’t do it! You’re already big as a whale!” . . .
Can you think of a similar example for yourself? A time when you were torn between two possible courses of action? In that situation, what was the pleasurable experience you wanted, and what was the pain or danger you perceived? .
Personal response ability means the ability to respond. It is the ability to see various points of view, decide what serves your purpose, and take effective action. It means having the confidence and maturity to figure things out for your self. This way, you can actually move forward instead of feeling stuck or trapped. .
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The Challenge is…
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If you only have two options – pain or pleasure – then it’s not really a choice. It’s a dilemma. So that’s when you have to be clear. Sometimes it is good to think in negative terms, carefully considering the potential threats. Sometimes it is good to think in positive terms, focusing on the potential opportunities. And your third option is to simply stop and be neutral for a moment. To look at both sides equally and objectively before deciding what serves you best. .
The reason you struggle is because you have not yet learned how to effectively direct your mind. You are bouncing back and forth between extremes, with no stability in between. Because you have no neutral way to assess your situation, you can’t see all your options. Because you can’t see any options, you remain a victim of your fears and desires. .
But there is a path with your name on it. One that takes into consideration both the positive and negative points of view, and enables you to make decisions according to your vision, values and objectives. To find that path, there is one decision that must be made before any other decision will matter:
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Is your mind going to serve you? Or are you going to serve your mind?
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Either you are going to find a way to master your thoughts, or you will always be a victim of your own mental impulses. Either you are going to learn how to control your thoughts, or your thoughts will always be in control of you. There is no way to succeed without addressing this simple truth.
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You will then obtain joy in your mind
and throw away your pain.
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Here is one big reason why so many people fail to control their behavior, or never seem to get what they truly want: You can’t hold “not doing something” as a reliable target. That’s because your mind always needs a subject to focus on. This means that the very act of trying NOT to focus on something, brings that thing into your field of thought. For example, if I say “Don’t think of a green tomato”, what do you immediately think of? A green tomato. . .
In other words, focusing on what you don’t want, gives you no way of putting the problem behind you. Similarly, when someone says “I don’t want to drink anymore”, or even “I need to stop drinking”, what is the subject they are focused on? “Drinking”. This is one reason why so many alcoholics are always in recovery, but never fully recovered. Drinking is always on their mind. They haven’t learned how to move past it. . .
Whenever you say what you don’t want, for example, I don’t want to smoke, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to feel bad, sick, lonely, broke or stupid…it’s kind of like going into a grocery store with a shopping list of all the things you don’t want to buy: “I don’t want bread. I don’t want carrots. I don’t want eggs, I don’t want milk, cheese or butter…” . .
With such a list, you could spend all your time in the store trying to avoid certain items, without ever getting the things you really need! Similarly, if all you do is keep on saying that you don’t want to be a drunk, then you could spend all your time in rehab, without ever getting what you really need. You’ve got to do better than that. You see it’s not enough to keep on counting the days you have managed to avoid a certain behavior. Now there is something you must figure out, before you can truly set yourself free. .
.You must determine the unmet needs
that are driving your behavior.
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Start here: What do you think are some of the benefits of drinking? In other words, what are some of the good feelings you get when you are doing it? How does it make you feel on the upside? You see it’s not drinking that you want. What you really want are the feelings that drinking gives you. . .
By acknowledging the benefit of your actions, you start to get perspective on what you really want. And by thinking about what you want, as opposed to whatever you are trying to avoid, it effectively shifts your focus, and immediately points you in a better direction. Even better, knowing what you actually want to feel or accomplish, puts you in a much better position to assess all your options for getting there. . .
So it’s great that you have decided it is time to deal with your drinking problem. Now you must figure out what “dealing with it” actually looks like in a way that works for you. Eventually, you will have to have a way of knowing the job is finally done, otherwise you are in for a never-ending battle. If you don’t have a clear picture of what success in this area actually means to you, then how can you possibly achieve it? How can you come up with an effective strategy to get somewhere, when you haven’t even decided where you truly want to be? . .
Now it is time to get really flexible in your approach, and start asking yourself better questions. For example: “How will I be certain that I’ll never have to worry about another relapse?” Or, “How will I know when I have dealt with this problem once and for all? . . . .
The Better I Feel About Myself, The Better I Do For Myself!
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I’m curious. Do you think the way a person feels, has anything to do with the way that person acts? For example, do people act different when they are happy, compared to when they are sad? . .
Well how ’bout you? Do you act differently depending on how you feel? For example, when you are confident, do you act different than when you feel uncertain? Pretty obvious, right? And how about your results. Do you think your actions have anything to do with the quality of results you get?Interesting. So what we’re saying is… “If I can somehow find a way to control my feelings, then I will have more control over my actions, which will lead to better results.” . .
Try this: Begin by making small daily improvements, and constantly acknowledge what you are doing well. This will make you feel good inside, which will lead to better actions and results. When you focus on the good you are doing, you build your confidence, you develop self-respect, and you constantly reinforce your own self-worth. . .
As you start to feel better about yourself, you will start make better decisions, and you will experience far better things in your life. There’s more to it, of course, but this alone will yield far better results than beating yourself up every time you fail. . .
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Right now your beliefs are driving your behavior. So when it comes to your alcohol addiction, when it comes to solving your drinking problem, when it comes to curing alcoholism, ending alcohol abuse, stopping your binge-drinking, dealing with temptation, erasing all doubts, cravings, threats, insecurities, or any fears of relapse…remember this: .
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Whether you believe you can,
or you believe you can’t,
you’re right!
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Warning! The following questions could lead to an increase in personal responsibility!
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The quality of your results is based on the quality of questions that you ask. To gain some additional perspective on your dis-ease, here are 5 powerful things to ask yourself before checking into rehab, and before beginning any alcohol rehabilitation program: .
Does having a ‘drinking problem’ mean the same thing to you as being ‘an alcoholic’? What’s the difference?
Do you believe anyone has ever fully recovered from alcoholism? In other words, do you believe alcoholism is curable?
Do you believe anyone has ever completely solved a drinking problem? Does that belief help or hinder your own chances of success?
“One thing I could never accept about being an alcoholic, was the idea that I was powerless over my behavior. In my head, it certainly seemed to be true. I had been a drunk for many years and had suffered horribly because of it. But once I finally realized how powerless I felt in my heart, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to stay there. . .
I think we all know the feelings of being scared and powerless, but it’s something we usually try to avoid. Rather than just sitting with the feelings and trying to understand them. When it comes right down to it, how do you think a person feels about being an alcoholic? Or an addict? Or a compulsive gambler? How does it actually feel, knowing you can’t even control your own behavior? . .
I can’t speak for anybody else, but I know how it made me feel. It made me feel like a loser for an awfully long time. Fortunately, I was still pretty flexible in my thinking. And somewhere I had learned that ‘A loser isn’t someone who falls down. A loser is someone who stays down.’ Of those two options, defining myself as an alcoholic, or expanding my awareness, it was pretty clear which would serve me better. I could see the downside, as well as the upside, to believing I was powerless. . .
I decided it wasn’t for me. Always living in fear. Always in recovery. But never actually in control. And never fully recovered. Simply because of the words I was using to define myself. At the time, my exact thoughts were: ‘Admit you have a problem, but reject that you are powerless. As long as you can think, you have the power to make a choice.’ . .
Of course back then I still couldn’t see what my choices were. Couldn’t see I had any other options, because I was too busy defending my own limited point of view. Took awhile to figure out, but eventually I realized that if I wanted to change my behavior, then I would have to change my beliefs. Otherwise, I knew I would become as dependent on coffee, cigarettes and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, as I had been on getting drunk.” . .
From the book Set Yourself Free: The Guide For Drunks, Smokers, Addicts and Millionaires
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This welcome is about to turn out completely different than I expected. What I had planned on writing, was a straight-forward introduction on how I can help you solve your drinking problem. I mean, that’s what you are looking for, right? A way to solve the problem. . .
But what if it’s not as easy as you would like? What if it requires you take responsibility not just for the problem, but especially for the solution? Do you really feel you are worth it? . .
The answers are probably easier than you believe. In the simplest terms, all it takes to break any bad habit or addiction is a decision, and a way of supporting that decision until the job is done. But what I have found in both my personal and professional experience dealing with addictions, is that quite often people are not as ready as they think. . .
If you really want to change your behavior, then at some point, you are going to have to change the underlying beliefs that are causing it. Otherwise, the same kind of behavior will just keep on showing up in other areas of your life. The fact is, our beliefs drive our behavior. And that means… . .
Whether you believe you can,
or you believe you can’t,
you’re right!
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So I had planned on starting this blog by talking about personal responsibility. Response. Ability. The ability to respond. In other words, the ability to choose a response that effectively serves your purpose. But then I remembered it’s our stories that are hindering us. All those things we call “legitimate reasons” for not being able to accomplish something. The things we keep on saying over and over again that make it okay for us to fail, rather than succeed. So instead I am going to tell you about… . .
An Alcoholic Celebrity
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I have no doubt I can help you permanently solve your drinking problem. I have done it for myself and many other people. The only thing stopping me from helping you is…you. Specifically, the unconscious beliefs you currently hold that are preventing you from getting what you want. So where I’m going to start is by telling you a story about an alcoholic celebrity who unknowingly inspired me to help as many people as I can. I won’t give you his name, but once upon a time, this guy played a flower delivery boy in a romance movie. . .
In the movie, this girl falls for this guy, who as it turns out, owns a whole bunch of flower stores. But she can’t understand why a man with so much money, the owner of all these stores, would spend his time working as the flower delivery boy. To let her see for herself, one day the guy invites her to come and do his deliveries with him… . .
So what do you think happens when people see the flower delivery boy? There’s all smiles and laughter and hugs and tears of joy! The guy gets to share in all that love and happiness all day long! “Oh It’s the flower delivery boy! Oh my goodness! Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” . .
It’s funny. A little tear of joy just dropped from my own eye, as I’m recalling why I’m doing all this work in the first place. It’s because 15 years ago, when I first saw that movie, I said to myself “Wow. If I could find a way to help people improve their quality of life, it would be like that guy delivering flowers. Only better.” . .
But the story doesn’t end there. You see I didn’t just say that to myself. Back in 1995, I actually wrote those very same words in a letter to a guy named Tony Robbins. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Anyway, in that letter I told Mr. Robbins that the reason I wanted to work with him, was so I could find my own way of “delivering flowers” to people every single day. . .
As it turns out, I ended up working with Tony for awhile, and one day, a very curious thing happened. One day, in an audience of over 2, 000 people, the actor from that very same movie, stood up and started talking about his drinking problem. Fascinated, I watched as this very well-known young man, “the flower delivery boy” who had so inspired me, started talking about his drinking problems in front of all these people…and how my heart ached for this guy when he couldn’t let Tony in to help him! You see, there was no question that Robbins’ could have helped him control his drinking. The problem was, the young man just wasn’t ready to let him. .
. The only thing stopping you from getting what you want,
is your story for why you can’t have it.
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And all this to tell you three simple things: . .
1. Speaking as the owner of a company whose purpose is to help people deal with their addictions, and speaking as a man who once lost both family and fortune through my own drug, alcohol and gambling addictions, I know that the weight of personal responsibility is sometimes hard to bear. I also know there is simply no other way to live well, than to become personally responsible for your own health and happiness. . .
2. Our beliefs drive our behavior. That means the only thing stopping you from getting sober, is your story for why you can’t do it. I know that statement is going to scare a lot of people away, but only those who prefer having the certainty of their old beliefs, instead of the power to be free. . .
3. The bottom line is I have found some things that work for me. And they can work for you. . .
To your success,
